Drama-Rama sa Hapon

Nagtatrabaho ako sa Makati bilang call center agent. Hindi po totoo na madalas makipagsex at kung kani-kanino ang mga taong nasa ganitong trabaho. Sa katunayan, walang social life, walang sex life at walang love life dito kung minsan.

Kung panggabi ka, putol ang kominikasyon mo sa mga kakilala mo. Papasok ka ng bandang alas ocho o alas diez ng gabi, at umaga na, o pasikat ang araw kung ikaw pauuwiin. 5 taon ako'ng panggabi. Limang taon na hindi ko namalayan, mga nagsipag asawa ang mga kabarkada ko, lumaki ang mga pamangkin ko, naubos ang buhok ko sa ulo.

Mahirap ang trabaho ng call center agent. Halos buong gabi ka nakikipag-usap sa mga taong sari-sari ang problema, sari-sari ang topak. IKAW ang pagbubuntunan ng hinaing at galit nila sa kumpanyang inirereprisinta mo. Ikaw ang kawawang haharap sa mga taong handang laitin kayo at ng mga katrabaho mo sa serbisyong minsan akala nila ay perpekto.

Dahil taga Meycauayan ako, tumira ako sa Makati dahil magastos magpabalik balik. Nagkaroon ako ng partner. Pero 4 na taon na ang nakakaraan, kinasama ang kasama ko sa bahay. Nagtatalik sila kapag nasa trabaho ako.

PS: This Blog Has NOTHING to do With YOU but EVERYTHING to do with ME

I will definitely CELEBRATE this weekend. My change has gone FULL CIRCLE. Vindicated, relieved and elated.

Sinabi ko naman sa iyo ganun ang gagawin niya di ba? Hindi ka ba nagtataka at sobrang nabalisa siya nang makita ang pangalan ko sa facebook mo? Ayaw kasi niya na makita mo ang totoong ginawa niya, and what he is capable of doing. Pero just like me 3 years ago you were so in love. Nadadala ka sa mga pa-senti-senti niya, ng maganda niyang boses, ng pagkatahimik niya, ng paminsan-mminsan niyang pag iyak pag namimiss ka niya... Ng pagka adventurous niya.

Ano, hindi rin sapat ang binigay niyang dahilan sa iyo nang maghiwalay kayo ano? Let me guess... nanghingi ng COOL OFF, tapos hindi ka binabalikan. Ayaw sagutin ng diretso ang mga tanong mo. Parang hindi ka naniniwala sa dahilan niya? You will probably never find out anyway.

You were warned.

I know I am going to be labeled eviil when I say this but I am always at my happiest when I am proven correct. Kaya siguro hindi na ako magso-syota ever. Happy na ako sa sarili ko.

At least alam o na. Alam ko na palaging ganun na lamang ang mangyayari sa kanya dahil KATULAD NG MGA MATA NIYANG LUWA,  wala siyang kabusugan. At hindi na natin kasalanan iyon, at wala na tayo'ng magagawa.

Hindi ka niya babalikan para sabihin na sorry siya sa mga nangyari. Sapat na yung iisang thankyou niya nang sabihin niyang "aalis muna siya." Wala siyang pakelam sa closure mo. Worse, sasabihin niya sa iba tungkol sa iyo kung ano'ng sinabi niya sa iyo tungkol sa akin kung sakaling maghanap ka ng tanong.

Hulaan ko, sabi niya sa iyo, naghahabol ako ano? WRONG. Naghahabol ako ng sorry man lang o sa kanya manggaling kung ano ginawa niya. He never did, bagkus he treated me like a plague. Has it ever happened to you na paa mo na ang naapakan, nasira buhay mo and wala siyan inoffer na sorry kahit minsan?

You were warned but you thought I was the threat. And you might be right, I shouldn't feel sorry for you.

And I don't.
Isipin mo na lang, nakaapak ka ng TAE, at kelangan mo'ng linisin ang swelas ng sapatos mo. Ikiskis mo kaya sa damuhan.

Yes, go Green.

Sa wakas pwede ko na talagang kalimutan ang masamang bahagi ng nuhay ko na yan. Sensya na, Nagkataon ikaw ang nandoon sa mga oras na iyon. Hindi kita kaibigan, at huwag kang mag alala, hindi kita balak gambalahin talaga... gusto ko lang malaman talaga na ganoon nga siya para maka move on, because that chance was never given to me.

I'm not sorry for your loss, because you shouldn't be.

No I 'm not ok

What the heck do you plan to do about that?

Nothing.

I'm burned out at home and Im a little bit burned out at work.

I havent had a good time in over a year and I wanna get laid.

I spend 5 hours in traffic and I have so much pressure at work. When I get home I am expected to pay the bills and take my family out shopping. In between, they throw all sorts of tantrums.

I just want something for myself. Kaya ako bumibili ng pabango, ng gadgets, ng kung anu ano na akala ninyo nagiging maramot ako because I try to pamper myself, well GUESS WHAT, I DESERVE IT.

No fucking other person is going to deserve pampering as much as me, so fuck off and stop expecting meto fix things, coz I am through fixing stuff for free.

Basta Luwa ang Mata, MALIBOG

Wala lang. May mama na nakasabay ko sa FX, may katabing babaeng maganda, nakatulog si girl, kung makatungin talaga si luwa-mata, parang kinakantot na nya ung girl... tapos hinihimas niya ung balls niya.

Kadiri.

Come to think of it, luwa ang mata ng ex ko.
Lookie:

KADIRI.

Paniwalaan Ko Ba Kung Sabihin Mo'ng Mahal Mo Ako?

Marami na ako'ng napagdaanang bagyo, unos, tagtuyot, tag-araw, tag-ulan, binyag at libing. Wala na atang hindi namalas ang aking mga mata, nahawakan ang aking mga kamay at nadama ng aking puso. Ilang beses nang lumubog at sumikat ang araw sa aking magdamag, at ilang beses na di'ng namalas ang mga bahaghari at mga bulalakaw.

Kung sasabihin mo sa akin na mahal mo ako, paano ko paniniwalaan ito?

Ano na naman ba ang pinagsasasabi mo diyan?

Gusto ko nang umibig. Pero natatakot ako. Gusto kong ialay muli ang isang bahagi ng sarili ko sa taong sa tingin ko'y nararapat. Pero nanginginig ang aking tuhod, kumakabog ang akng dibdib at parang turumpo'ng umiikot ang aking katiuan sa tuwing iisipin ko iyan.

Hindi mo masisising natatakot ako. Binigyan ako ng napakalaking  dahilan para matakot. Ayokong mawala ang lahat sa isang iglap katulad ng dati. Ayoko'ng minsanan pa ay gumuho ang aking mundo at maiwang nag iisa, hiwalay sa aking pamilya, mga kaibigan at iniwan na lamang nang walang pasintabi, na walang balak pagsabihan kung bakit kelan at paano.

Walang kuwentang aminin m,o sa ibang tao na nagkamali ka pero sa akin ay ipagkait mo iyon. Hindi nila kama ang nilapastangan mo, hindi nila buhay ang minsanan mong sinira. Kng hanggang ngayon ay duwag ka, paano ko malalaman na hindi ka pa rin duwag sa taong kasama mo? Kung sinasabi mo'ng hindi ka deserving  sa pag ibig ko, paano mo malalamang hindi ka din deserving sa pag ibig ng ibang tao?

At sa akin... Paano ko naman malalaman na hindi na ulit mangyayari sa akin ang dati nang nagyari mula sa iyo?

Binigyan mo ako ng takot na ayaw mong burahin, ng kawalan ng pag asang ayaw mong bawiin.

At kayong mga kaibigan ko, paano ninyo kayang sabihin na kaya kong baguhin ang aking pananaw? Natakot na ba kayo ng sobra sobra na ayaw na niyong maranasan pa ang paglukso ng iyong puso mula sa dibdib at ang pagkamatay ng iyong pagkatao? Naranasan na ba ninyong piliting buhayin muli ang diwa na pinatay ng iba? Naranasan na ba ninyong bigyang ningas ang isang apos na matagal nang natupok?

Karuwagan ang pumatay sa akin, Katapangan ang bubuhay nang muli sa akin.



MAPALAD ANG TAONG MAGBUBUKAS NG AKING PUSO. KANYA AKO HANGGANG KAMATAYAN.

Mirror Mirror

So I was doing my usual.

I was online and i came across someone whom I had a hunch, but not sure. So I added hm on my facebook.

Enter JT... whom I may add, I have 15 mutual "friends" with. Unknown to me... He's the new boyfriend. And what the fuck, The status is "Ihanda ang armor, masaya ito mamayang gabi."

Condom daw, sabi ng isang nagcomment.

Ouch.

I began, "There really is no Karma." I was the guy who was abandoned and reminded everyday of that treat-chery for 2 years because of the place I live, and Then... BANG. Na-add ko ang bf, tapos, next thing I knew... BURA|DO na ako.

Wow. My ex's profile states, "matitigas talaga ang ulo ng ibang tao"

HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW SYA ANG KUMAKANTOT SA IYO NGAYON?

Bakit, are you bothered that I don't have any nopw and you have this oh so nice relationship, going places with some guy, and WTF? Ako ang masama?

Well I hope you're sore.

Anyway. segue.

I posted my rant. ALL I EVER WANTED WAS AN APOLOGY. Arrogant prick. No one ever told me they were sorry. You destroy a person's self esteem, the least you would have done is say "I'm sorry."

Pero you get the impression ikaw pa ang masama.

Then I had a loong chat with someone who comiserated on my post.

I kinda liked that chat.
I was ableto see someone else who was exactly in my shoes... except straight. I didn't have the heart to tell him. I was so relieved to find someone who could understand me so much. The hatred, the pain of never knowing why... The abandonment, the fear of being close to someone ever again.

And during the chat... I was thinking... God... this is me. We absolutely agreed that this was all the other person's fault and just had to know why.

It validated all my pain. It was valid. I am human. It is ok.

But still I have to move on.

I can't.

Not unless there's someone I want who still thinks I'm, worth it... and frankly I'm not so sure.

How do you earn someone's love when you don't think you deserve it because of how someone else treated you. Did I ever deserve being abandoned? I kept thinking it was my fault.

I never did know. It was a sick blindfolding trick.

What kind of love do I deserve after being this way for a long time?

In the end, we both agreed an apology is never someothing we will ever get. We will always wonder why and until our next relationships, we will never really be happy with our lives.

I've already been miserable for 3 years. whose willing to adopt me?
Who the fuck will ever fall in love with me ever again?

I just fuckin' wanted to have someone hold my hand... tell me it's ok.

Happy F^#K*ng 3rd Anniversary

Dear Agnolo,

So it's year #3. And absolutely no chnage whatsoever to my lovelife. A lot of hopefuls... and a few whose fervent longings for me are almost there... so to speak... but yep... ALMOST.

I am yet to see some real action (NO PUN INTENDED)

I meant some REAL dedication. It isn't enough that i make you horny, or you really want me. DUDE, make me believe it! I'm struggling to believe everyone who tells me he wants me. It's just not enough.

None of you guys even got to the point where you sleep with me yet. A few met me... and I don't even know what went wrong there...

So there... I'm still hoping. I am still waiting.

They say 3 is a charm. Three fucking years of guessing what happened, damn you.

Just look at my pictures! Look at whom you dumped! Sure... he'll be ok, he's charming, he's smart, he's cute... AND YOU TOTALLY DESTROYED HIS MOJO.

Now take a good look at you.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, Kirk.

Do You Realize Why I CONTINUE to Hate You?

He was there again.

He didn't realize I was online that's why he lingered on a while. Then I undid being invisible on YM. And there he was: Silverpad. And as soon as I was visible, he disappeared.

Why doesn't he delete me altogether? I know he knows I'm around that's why he conveniently disappears when I'm online. That would only mean he still has me added.

I invaded his FFS. i bought all his friends and made them suckerpunch, dropkick and bitch-slap him. I know I'm kinda cruel. I numerously crucified him again and again in my blogs, that when you google him, his treachery shows up again and agin to reveal itself to potential employers.

Why am I doing this? Why does my vindictive wrath have no end?

Simple.

I never heard a sorry. It is as simple as that. And you, trying to avoid me  (and so fruitlessly futile, i may say), Only goes to show you show no remorse. The very fact that you did not look back to see how much you hurt me, my life, and people I was to be with in the future because of what you did: You betrayed me, causing my friends to betray me as well.. how could you make my friends keep a secret so sacred to me?

That one cause of closure you prevented me to have by making my friend keep a secret she knew will keep me from moving on...

It was 2 years before she decided to break free from that vow of silence you so forcefully set.

I have not trusted anyone since... and I knonw not how to begin trusting anyone again. That was the price of your cowardice... cowardice you still cling onto.

But I WILL TAKE A DIFFERENT ROAD FROM TODAY.

YOU CAN HIDE ALL YOU WANT AND FEAR ME ALL YOUR DAYS, BUT I WILL NOT CARE. YOU WILL BE A SLAVE TO YOUR GHOST AS LONG AS YOU CARRY YOUR GUILT. AND IT WILL RULE YOUR LIFE.