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Monday, May 31, 2010

Mad It Hurts

So Mad it Hurts

This is not going to be short. I promise.
It will also be my most intimate blog. I'm not promising any entertainment. I just want to speak with someone I can trust at the moment, and my laptop screen looks so inviting, for once.

I have a secret.

I had counseling once for anger management. I was asked to tell the shrink of any time I thpought of hurting myself or other people. I wish I was still going to counseling now. I'd like to tell him i DO.

I have this deep, uncompromising anger that boils down from my veins and consumes me from time to time. It is mind-numbing,
blood-curdling and hurts like bloody hell.

People have always tried to put the fire out but was never successful.

Distraction is for toddlers. Did you ever notice when the baby is so  hugnry, once the rattle stops, it cries, louder than before? The child only stops wailing after you plug the bottle in its mouth.

I will tell you of a story I have told millions of times before, but now it is fortified because of a recent incident.

My anger is paired by trust issues.

A few years ago  wasn't angry. I was just scared. My Father just died, and I was suddlen;ly looking after my family.
I had a huge world to conquer and I was afraid, but cannot admit it.

I shortly did. Then I had a bestfriend, a roommate, and a partner.

The partner had sex with the roommate whle I was away. In my own home. Inmy own bedroom. Then they left me... partner first... then the roommate after a few months.

The best friend knew in silence. The best friend could have told me I was ok, they were a couple of horny assholes who didn't deserve thought, instead she kept it for 2 years... while I built a wall of insecurity around me.

2 years later, she decides to tell me, and I was even more disturbed. Apart from being too late, and I was too adamant to move on, I learned I was sleeping on the same bed that marked their infidelity to me.

I was mad, it hurt.

Enter Santa with all the promises of childhood and inocence. I had a new best friend. a bestfriend everybody likes.

A bestfriend everybody wanted.

That was the problem. A jejemonster told Santa I was in love. Fine. That messed santa's delicate well fabricated mind made of cotton candy.

candy went sour, and he called me crazy just when i AM MOST MOST VULNERABLE.

He called me all different things and accused me of things he was doing anyway. He pushed me away. He was making excuses that weren't there. Partly because of one bad jejemonster

Santa wasn't my friend eversince.

He was last quoted I should learn my lesson.

I did.

Never trust people. Ever again.

Fine, you can say there are amillion other people out there.

Yes a million other unfaithful partners, a million other untrustworthy roommates, a million other bestfriends who stay silent when they should be helping you. A million other false hopes like Santa.  A million other jealous jejemonsters who are illiterate of the feelings of others.

A million other disappointments. I have yet to fiind one that would be a cure.

I was hoping I was going to join society again and rid myself of the rage, one that people reported missing since I had Santa as a friend.

Never again. The  fact that he left without as much as a word just like the other ones. JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE... teaches me that There is no one special enough to be trusted... not even someone as wounded as me.

It becomes harder to kill the beast I have within.

I am mad, and it hurts like hell.

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