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Friday, June 18, 2010

The Big Bang

It is a widely known fact that I know how to blow a fuse the magnitude of the Big Bang.




It is also an accepted form of behavior to clear away from the crossfire of two firing guns. One alone can kill you; two, will make sure you don't survive. In the past couple of months the absolute selective silence of a certain non-persona (Yimmach Shemo Vezikhro) drove me insanely furious. I have realized, no one really pays attention, until something is clearly blown out of proportion. We don't realize it's actually an earthquake until we realize the fat girl from the office didn't report to work that day, and the building is actually going down.

We don't get up unless the alarm is going (and even that, we ignore) or the stew you were cooking in the kitchen is burnt to a crisp until there is smoke in the house. We
seen to be at ease with everything until something has terribly gone wrong. And as I stated in the alarm clock example, we actually ignore the signs and symptoms of a disaster waiting to happen.

When my temper inflates to a point of no return, the only thing that can calm me down is the assurance of just one person that everything is ok, everything is fine and it's no big deal. Anger to me is a result of panic. If you pin me to the wall, all I can do is detonate. You have to how me a way out, or calm me down to a point that I can think and breathe.

When I was in a relationship, so many light years ago, I had no problem calming down. There was always that one person I feel at home with, a person I can close my eyes with, a person whose voice always told me everything was perfect. Everything is just the way it should be.

Well, of course, that has been years. I had to ask a shrink how to deal with it without any external aide. This was a time in my life I have locked myself out to the world, afraid of anything that could trigger that anger. 
What did professional counseling tell me? Get laid. Date. Meet people. Exactly the thing I was avoiding... Partly because I have grown to accept the fact that anyone I asked out turned me down; and every single time my affection would have been known, I lose the person before I even had him.

What would you do if you were Medusa, and your only chance of becoming human is if a man kisses all of your snakes?


Several months ago, I created an alternate profile on Facebook. I reckon, if I couldn't get a partner that would calm me down, and my friends were all busy while I was at home sulking at a few things that upset me,  I would create one person who will never be too busy for me, or will demand the same attention I was seeking... So with my other mobile phone and email account, I created an imaginary boyfriend. I would update it, and set my own profile up so it would loook like I was "In a relationship with..." AND there was a name. It was crazy, and most of my friends thought it was crazy.

But hey, I'd rather have "crazy and happy," than "bitter and angry."

So I went with the idea. I was in a relationship with myself. It was simple, and it stood for something. People greeted my partner on his fictitious birthday, and so did I. I would write love quotes and be cheesy on my own wall, and my imaginary partner loved me back. I was solved.

I wasn't blabbing on facebook how unhappy I was, because I wrote to my "partner" and told "him" all about my bad day. And in the end of the day, I had less worries.

It was no different than giving your journal a name like "Kitty" or writing letters to "Dear Mr Pendleton". It was my Jerusha Abbott mode, I was to write to someone I believed was there for me. And in the end, I am making sure no human eyes even see me rant unfashionably on facebook.

Of course it made sure I never have a real partner. Friends cracked jokes about it, asking me, "So how's your boyfirend?" "Why don't you bring your partner to the party?" "You and your partner have plans tonight?"

And for a while it worked. I ignored the calumny. I ignored the warnings, "It's too crazy to work." "You're going to cut off your real friends from your personal life." I gave them the excuse that I am simply doing a social experiment. (In my head, they were all too busy to go out with me anyway, so there.)

I said heck, no one is giving me the well deserved TLC I want so I'm giving it to myself in a way I thought I can never get. What's wrong with that? Ever sent yourself flowers before? Ever written yourself a love letter?

It was the craziest thing I have ever experimented with in my entire life. And it was worth it for a while.


But you can never fool yourself. There were many answers that my imaginary partner didn't have. Most of them, for questions I always ask myself. The good part was having someone to tell your problems to, but in reality, these were secrets only whispered to myself. Soon, I have "fallen out of love" with my alternate profile, and had gone back to a "single" status on facebook. I opted for a more real friendship, no partner, still but I believed I had friends.


I started to form a bond with people in real life... So I thought, well, see, that social experiment was too crazy. It was selfish. 


Then, BANG! ( you know what happened. If not, click here)


I wondered, maybe cyber partner needs to wake back from his grave... All this mess that last friendship left is beginning to tick me off again. And we will probably be facing a lifetime of this because i am not in the state of willfulness, subjecting myself to more pain, more rejection, more Big Bangs.


Here's another brick to lay on my wall. Thank you guys.

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