There's a Hole in My Soul

I stare blankly into nothingness.

I take time eating my breakfast and smoking the first cigarette of the day. I quietly close the lid on my notebook and head upstairs for a shower. I stare in the bathroom mirror as it fogs up. I lather myself up and rinse. I towel off and head back to my room to dress up.

As I gather all my things for work, I take a look at the time. I have to leave 2-3 hours early to get to work on time. Travel takes 4-6 hours of my life each day. I spend 9 or so hours on the office, and I sleep an average of 5-6 hours a day, leaving me 5-6 hours for myself.

Clock ticks. I spend that amount of time sparingly on the internet, speaking with the ghosts of my friends, whom of which, are too busy to personally spend time with me, just as much as I am too busy to spend time with them.

I don't have much friends at work. I don't have the luxury of going out. I drag myself out of the house to try watch a movie alone, or to buy myself something in the mall.

I dread travelling alone. I see people who travel with friends, with their significant others, and it hurts. It hurts to see people with lives. It hurts to hear them, see them, and feel their presence.

I used to pride myself in maintaining a job, which, at least I have. but it isn't going anywhere. 5 years in the same industry and I was only close to getting the job I want twice.

I have no one except this blog to tell about my day, and tell anyone how i feel. there are things you do not tell your family, if you know what I mean. There is no one to hold hands with at the moment you feel so scared.

I hated valentines day. you couldn't get away from it. I wanted to stay at home for weeks just to avoid that date. It arrived, just as well, and I am pissed off.

I simply dread seeing that relationship icon on facebook. "In a relationship with," "engaged to," "married to..." If It werent unfair, I'd erase all non-single friends.

Says who, facebook?

Except all of my friends are not single.

Yes. I AM THE ONLY ONE.

And I hate it.

I can create a list that will turn into one of those booklets on how people are mean in the internet, or how hard it is for someone to find anyone. And I blame it on economy.

Ron you're crazy. What does the economy have to do with it?

Everything!

People just like me, have very little time but go online to get a life. You spend 20 hours a day just going through the motion of it. And there is only but a small part to become human. You push through crowds to get to work on time, you struggle at work to kep your job, and you're too exhausted to analyze everything when you get home.

I meant it when i said I haven't felt human in A VERY LONG TIME. And there is a hole in my soul no merchandise I can buy with my salary can patch up.

I am not a robot. Companies hire people for the purpose of personalizing their services, but as soon as they hire PEOPLE, they start treatng them like robots. I don't get it.

Doesn't it make sense to you that as much reason as we cannot make a machine act the same way as a human being, that we cannot make a human being act like a machine? It is the single, most absurd observation I have seen in the corporate world.

There is even a billboard in EDSA that says "We don't hire robots"

But you make people act like robots once they're hired. Long gaps between breaks, fluctuating schedules, herculean tasks and near impossible deadlines, that only machines will survive. And in between, you have to perform.

There is a hole in my soul. I don't knnow how to patch it up.