Morbid

This is going to be a short post but I'm expecting a lot of  reactions... Well maybe not. Depende.

In the past 4 days now, I have been suffering from excruciating pain in my abdomen. Enough to keep me from working well. I brushed it off first day it happened kasi naman nalipasan naman talaga ako ng gutom, nag OT pa ako, and wala talaga ako time kumain.

But Sunday I did eat and again, it happened. Normal naman pupu ko, except I forced it kasi hindi ako madumi. There was blood. But I also had hemorrhoids kasi. So there. Monday, Tuesday, I was off the phones for a few hours because of the pain again, at talagang sira na ang adherence ko dahil dito. Today, hindi ako pumasok because I suspect na something talaga isn't right.

People were telling me na gastritis, hyperacidic lang ako. Pero damn, I have to get proper medication, hindi basta nag se-self diagnose.

So I went to the doctor. Checkup ako. He was alarmed nung sabihin ko about the fresh blood sa stool ko. He checked my hems. Na finger ako for the first time since that last episode. (laugh naman kayo) Medyo magaling si doc.

So I was put on medication for about a week and I have to return next week para malaman kung kailangan ituloy, or I need more tests. So far ang daing ko ngayaon is my headache because of this ridiculous heat. My tummy still hurts, pero manageable pa din. Madaming bawal. Bawal alak, bawal spicy food, bawal mamantika, bawal maasim, mawal magyosi. Hindi bawal ang sweeets, salamat naman.

But wait, Intro ko pa lang yan.

Yakap ko ang 3 year old niece ko na anak anakan ko. I said, "Paano pag namatay ako? Ano gagawin mo?"

I know it's an unfair question to ask a 3 year old, malay ba naman niya pag namatay ang isang tao, di ba? Sabi niya, "Sama ako."

Natawa lang ako.

Tapos nalungkot.

You see, the reason na alarm ang doctor when I said there was also blood in my stool, kasi he suspected something else. The reason he probed my anus, kasi he was looking for a lump. He is making me go back next week kasi he wants to make sure it is gastritis.

I understand all of these kasi pre med ang course ko, and I know what to expect... it ain't fun.

I was suddenly  faced with the fear of dying, but I know I'm only panicking. My dad was also scared about knowing when he'll die. Pero naman nung mamamatay na siya ready na siya he went peacefully. Nakatulog lang siya at hindi na nagising.

Meron kaya makaalala sa akin pag nawala na ako?

Buhay pa nga lang ako kinalimutan na ako ng mga ex ko e. Yung pamangkin ko, sobrang bata pa para Marealize na mamimiss niya ako. I know it's scary reading something like this coming from me... But I am thinking about it because its logical to think about when it's all that there is happening to you.

And it's important.

Nalulungkot lag ako kasi along with that nakakaisip ako ng mga "what if" questions that aren't so nice.

Like what if it is the end of my life and hindi na man lang ako nakabawi ng love life ko. pangit na yung huling episode, ganun na lang. What if, wala na makaalala na i existed. What if... what if...

Ayoko na mag isip.