I hope all is well with you.
God, I feel like an idiot. First, I'm blogging like a 14 year-old girl about my secret crushes, Second, I'm confiding to a product of my extremely enhanced imagination.
But hey, for now, you're the only one I can feel safe enough to tell anything about... and you're just in my head. I know it's totally unfair to you... That i make you up and practically dump my trash on you, but you do know that I need you, right? Else I go crazy.
So here it goes.
You know that "crush" I was telling you about?
Well I've got lots of them. (sheepish grin)
I'm going to tell you how I feel about each one... but forgive me if I don't reveal who they are. You see, it's part of the "magic" that they NEVER EVER know. I only tell them when the magic is over and I no longer feel it, ergo, when they're no longer my crushes.
Instead I'll give them codenames so you'll have an idea who they are. God knows what will happen to me if any of them find out. I'll probably quit my job or never show my face in public. I'm not kidding. For quite some time, being connected with me in any form of affection is like social suicide.
Promise me you won't tell...
CRUSH #1: BACCHUS
As you know I travel from Meycauayan-Makati everyday. So here's my route: I take a tryke from home to the NLEX. From there, I take an FX to Quezon ave, where I take a cab to makati.
Where i get an FX cab, There's this olive skinned, twentysomething driver with droopy eyes and a cleft chin (well, he's double-chinned, really). So, he's a little chubby. I like chubs. Not overly fat though. Besides, I dig guys who drive. I can tell he's pretty religious apart from just being pretty. He has this nose that turns up just the right way. He's one of those guys you'd end up cuddlig with most of the time. No, i don't know his name, and I know He's caught me once or twice staring at im while driving.
Besides, i've always fantasized about sex inside a car. lols.
But alas... he's straight. And I suspect that he's married.
CRUSH #2: ARASHIKAGE
Stress becomes bearable with this guy. Tall, lean and handsome, I know I've been caught staring at him sometimes. WTF, a lot of peole stare at him. I think he's straight, But that doesn't stop me. I have heard once or twice that he could be gay... His facebook doesn't show any trace, and actually negates that. I've never added him; I'd be obvious adding my real life crushes to this thing; My facebook crushes are a different category.
CRUSH #3: BURNT SIENNA
Cuddly guy at work. Angelic faced and olive-skinned. I'd carve his face on a "Santo" if I'd be asked to make one. I love his color, again a nice hue of burnt sienna and red... a healthy sort of olive tone. The nicest smile... Again like guys #1 and 2... straight.
Now that's all I am giving you, Agnolo. You better hold our pact sacred, because IT'S ALL I'VE GOT.
It's pretty hard for me to find inspiration to people. I hardly speak to any of these people. I would have aheart attack if I get to be alone with any one of them. Seriously.
I wouldn't dare lift a finger to touch them. It's like theyre glass and they could break. More accurately, their trust in me would break. You see, i don't get to like a lot of gay people. You'd be lucky of you're openly gay and I speak to you.
I have told people about this story before: At a team building, we headed off to Pansol Laguna, and rented a place with a private pool and 2 bedrooms.
I ended up sleeping in the poolside.
The rooms were intended to separate men and women. The gay men slept in the women's room. The men of course huddled together in the other one.
The men wouldn't let me sleep in their room because "I admitted i liked men". The women wouldn't let me sleep in their room because " I still look like I like women."
I was apalled. So everytime I join an out of town trip it is ALWAYS CRUCIAL how many rooms and if there is at least a couch. I'm planning to bring a sleeping bag on my next trip. I also contemplated buying a small tent.
Again, I'm not exaggerating. That's really what they told me. Sure, I'm a little overreating with the tent thing... but not about the extra room and the couch.
I know people don't like me. That's why I deleted some people on facebook... abot 600 people. They added me and they never checked up on me. And when they get deleted, they ask if I know them.
And people who DO like me never get it. I have always been the one to make an effort... I would deserve it if someone nice enough exerted a little bit of effort on me.
There was one who almost came close. Good catch. He's in a relationship now.
Now that's someone who can say that it was my loss, and i wouldn't be able to dispute. It was my loss.
I know what my handicap is when it comes to relationships... i'm scared.
So NOTE TO PEOPLE PLANNING TO ASK ME OUT: I AM SCARED, BUT NOT ENTIRELY UNWILLING. IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF DISARMING MY FEAR.
Be nice. soothe me.
Who cares, right?
Anyway, I'll always have you, Agnolo.