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Monday, November 2, 2009

Mirror Mirror

So I was doing my usual.

I was online and i came across someone whom I had a hunch, but not sure. So I added hm on my facebook.

Enter JT... whom I may add, I have 15 mutual "friends" with. Unknown to me... He's the new boyfriend. And what the fuck, The status is "Ihanda ang armor, masaya ito mamayang gabi."

Condom daw, sabi ng isang nagcomment.


I began, "There really is no Karma." I was the guy who was abandoned and reminded everyday of that treat-chery for 2 years because of the place I live, and Then... BANG. Na-add ko ang bf, tapos, next thing I knew... BURA|DO na ako.

Wow. My ex's profile states, "matitigas talaga ang ulo ng ibang tao"


Bakit, are you bothered that I don't have any nopw and you have this oh so nice relationship, going places with some guy, and WTF? Ako ang masama?

Well I hope you're sore.

Anyway. segue.

I posted my rant. ALL I EVER WANTED WAS AN APOLOGY. Arrogant prick. No one ever told me they were sorry. You destroy a person's self esteem, the least you would have done is say "I'm sorry."

Pero you get the impression ikaw pa ang masama.

Then I had a loong chat with someone who comiserated on my post.

I kinda liked that chat.
I was ableto see someone else who was exactly in my shoes... except straight. I didn't have the heart to tell him. I was so relieved to find someone who could understand me so much. The hatred, the pain of never knowing why... The abandonment, the fear of being close to someone ever again.

And during the chat... I was thinking... God... this is me. We absolutely agreed that this was all the other person's fault and just had to know why.

It validated all my pain. It was valid. I am human. It is ok.

But still I have to move on.

I can't.

Not unless there's someone I want who still thinks I'm, worth it... and frankly I'm not so sure.

How do you earn someone's love when you don't think you deserve it because of how someone else treated you. Did I ever deserve being abandoned? I kept thinking it was my fault.

I never did know. It was a sick blindfolding trick.

What kind of love do I deserve after being this way for a long time?

In the end, we both agreed an apology is never someothing we will ever get. We will always wonder why and until our next relationships, we will never really be happy with our lives.

I've already been miserable for 3 years. whose willing to adopt me?
Who the fuck will ever fall in love with me ever again?

I just fuckin' wanted to have someone hold my hand... tell me it's ok.

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